PTSD: I Like To Think I'm Normal, but...

How could any combat veteran ever imagine the problems we would deal with later?

I like to think I’m normal, but then if I have to go out in public, I realize I’m not normal. My wife knows if we go into a restaurant I have to keep my back to the wall. I’m also not very good in traffic, and most times would inflict harm on people who are aggressive in traffic (cut me off or tailgate) if I could get my hands on them. I guess a lot of people feel like that, but I would do it. I’ve never been the kind to threaten or argue with strangers. I attack when threatened. That’s one reason I don’t like to go to large stadiums or other public places where I can be exposed to potential threats. I can’t stand crowds where I have no control. That’s also the reason I never drink anymore. I have to keep iron control of my emotions and anger. I’m also a fanatic on perimeter security in my home. I’m always the last to go to bed, and the first to get up. I have a weapon within reach if needed, and I probably wouldn’t sleep much at all if I didn’t have a dog to take up my slack.

I still never sleep more than two to fours hours at a time. I never just wake up. I jump out of bed fully alert. That drives my wife and visiting family members crazy because they don’t understand how I can be instantly awake. I don’t understand how people can be so unconcerned or trusting when it comes to their own security.

Any treeline takes me right back to Vietnam as I try to figure what kind of ambush I could be walking into, how to get out of it, or how I would construct an ambush. Helicopters will make me freeze when they pass over, and war memories flood my thoughts.

I have a lot of nightmares. Most times I don’t remember them or they wake me up. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of the war or my dead friends. I try to keep any depression in check by exercise, though I’ve never been able to quit smoking. I tried a quit smoking group at the VA, but it reminded me too much of rap groups or AA meetings and I never went back after one session. My few friends are Nam vets or other vets I’ve known since childhood. I pretty much remain isolated all the time, and I have never felt comfortable at any job unless it involved helping combat veterans. I have never felt any remorse for anything I saw and did in Vietnam. I never hurt women and children, and everyone I dealt with was an enemy. If anything, I would like to meet some former VC or NVA so we could go at it again. That could possibly give me some form of closure because I still despise them.

I like to feel that I’m a friendly, outgoing person, but others (those who were never in the military) see me as full of rage and I don’t understand how I present myself as being full of rage. My behavior is normal for me. (That’s why it sometimes takes so long for veterans to realize something is wrong.)

I believe a lot of my rage is from dealing with a system that puts combat vets through such hell to obtain benefits. Last night on the news I watched our money rebuilding Iraq. Somebody (Iraqi) comes and asks for money and we give it to them for a business while back home our veterans have to fight to get anything.

It all feeds the rage. I often feel I should have just died in the war and that I could have done more while I was there. I feel guilty for being alive and I feel helpless that I can’t turn things all the way around for myself and others. I know the PTSD will never go away, but I also know that I’ve helped a lot of combat veterans survive to make it this far.

So we all continue to walk a fine line and try to cope the best we can as we live with PTSD.

(Since I've written this article, I did manage to quit smoking after 48 years, and I've been in therapy for my PTSD, as I have been off and on since 1981. I have seen some positive changes, but the PTSD is something that will never go away. All we can do is learn to live with it.)

A PTSD Novel: Michael In Hell

Email contact